“You’re good at everything you try.”
“You make everything look so easy.”
“Your hair always looks nice.”
“Wow…you do it all.”
“Your life is perfect.”
These phrases followed me for a long time.
In my teenage years >>> they were surface level and I absorbed them as a compliment.
In my 20’s >>> I didn’t know it at the time, but they were a danger to my ego. They built a ‘false self’ in my brain and heart.
In my 30’s >>> I began to resent these words.
My life is not perfect.
I am not perfect.
Why do I keep hearing these things? Do people really perceive me as having it all together…all of the time???
That’s not me.
At that time, I didn’t recognize the “external show” I was producing. Until it was sitting across from me.
I volunteered for a program through my alma mater to provide mentorship to a college student. My mentee brought questions, stories and scenarios to our in-person meetings and we talked through them. At one point she said I admire you so much, you have done everything and you’re good at everything.
Oh my goodness. I’m creating this. I’m the reason this keeps occurring.
HELLO, self awareness!
I wasn’t showing my true self. I didn’t express when things were hard. I wasn’t willing to unveil my bad days. I purposely hid behind my accomplishments, my (seemingly) ability to handle multiple things simultaneously. Brené Brown, author of Dare to Lead, says, “The greatest barrier to daring leadership is not fear, it’s armor.”
Perfection was my armor.
It carried me through my number one fear in adolescence: failure.
One of my former leaders would often say, “Vulnerability is a gift you give to others.” I scoffed at this for years. I wasn’t willing to let others in. I was too focused on the goal ahead, being the best, and achieving the most.
Brené Brown suggests learning how to recognize and step into our fear, and get curious. Open up our minds and hearts, instead of putting on armor and shielding ourselves from exposure, the unknown, and you guessed it…failure.
I needed to stop producing the “external show” and start being real.
Ooooohhh, that’s so hard.
Yes, it is. But this was a teachable moment.
Not just for my mentee, the young impressionable college student. But also, for me.
It’s my responsibility to foster a genuine relationship with my mentee, and myself. Without genuine connection, we are detached. How can we foster a real relationship and connection if I’m gripping to the armor of perfectionism? Holding on to what I knew…presenting myself as “always put together,” someone who doesn’t cry (especially not at work!), someone who can push through and make anything happen in any given moment.
That’s not true.
It’s not realistic.
In fact, that belief and ‘false self’ nearly wrecked me.
When I left my traditional career seven years ago, I thought I was leaving perfect behind.
But I still had work to do.
I must be willing to say, “I don’t know.” I must be willing to speak about the hard days and say, “I’m struggling.” I must be brave enough to remove the perfectionism armor and show up authentically as myself.
I had made progress, but still felt stalled in the quest.
I sat with my own mentor for a long time at breakfast, walking through options to connect more openly to my mentee and myself in the near future.
My mentor challenged me to, “Develop a new way of measuring success and make a conscious choice to not do it all.”
You’re right.
That is what I’ve been doing.
My “external show” appears as if I’m someone who is doing it all. People will continue to believe that I’m a professional juggler of work, life, and everything else.
That’s not the case.
That’s not who I was.
It’s not who I wanted to be.
Brené Brown describes armor, “We all use armor to protect ourselves, but it’s heavy and it prevents us from growing, being seen, being in connection with each other.”
It was time to show up differently.
Going forward I started sharing more full stories with my mentee; a combination of situations and scenarios I had been in as a growing, young professional plus the mistakes I made along the way. Not just at work, but in life.
We formed a closer relationship as a result and I began to learn more about myself.
At The Restoration Project our mission is, ‘Build Connection, Restore Intention, and Inspire Action.’ The most important step is the first. As leaders we must be willing to face ourselves, our patterns, our behaviors and ask, “How am I showing up that will best serve others?”
When we remove our armor, we form deeper connections with our team members, family, mentees, all the people in our lives – plus we also create a stronger connection inside ourselves. To know and understand ourselves allows us to best lead others.
How and where does your armor show up?
What armor are you wearing or carrying?
What simple steps can you take to remove your armor?
How will you lead differently without your armor?
Written by Sarah Watson, Creator of Calm with The Restoration Project.
