Have you seen TV show The Bear? I’ve been thinking about all the life, work, leadership, relational and other lessons throughout, but a scene in the last episode of Season 3 really caught my attention and reminded me of how important it is to make time for preparation and reflection so we are living, working, and leading with intention.
Carmen Berzatto (the main character) who is working hard to turn his family’s restaurant around is invited to a final celebration (they called it a funeral) at one of the best restaurants in Chicago, that is closing. He was trained in this restaurant, and at this party he is surrounded by former co-workers and mentors, some of the most elite chefs in the world, including his nemesis: a former boss, David Fields, who Carmen felt treated him very poorly.
Here’s the exchange when they meet in the hallway (I removed letters from the expletives but kept the integrity of the exchange for understanding and impact):
David Fields: How you doing, Berzatto?
Carmen Berzatto: I always wondered what I would say to you if I got to see you again.
DF: Okay. Let’s have it.
CB: After “f— you,” I don’t… I don’t have much.
DF: F— me?
CB: Yeah, that’s right.
DF: For anything in particular?
CB: No, just generally being you, I think. Yeah.
DF: Got it. Well, this has been nice.
CB: I think about you too much.
DF: I don’t think about you.
CB: Why are you such a f—ing a–hole?
DF: How am I an a–hole?
CB: Do you have half an hour?
DF: You’re welcome.
CB: I’m welcome? For-For-For what?
DF: You were an okay chef when you started with me, and you left an excellent chef. So you’re welcome.
CB: You gave me ulcers, and panic attacks, and-and nightmares. You…You know that, right? Do you… Do you understand that?
DF: Yeah, I gave you confidence, and leadership, and ability. It f—ing worked.
CB: I’m, like… I’m-I’m-I’m…I’m f—ing stunned right now. I…
DF: Dude, you need to unclutch your pearls.
CB: My life stopped.
DF: That’s the point, right?
CB: That’s the point?
DF: You wanted to be great. You wanted to be excellent. So you got rid of all the bullshit, and you concentrated, and you got focused, and you got great. You got excellent. It worked. You’re here. Look at all this.
Thank you for indulging me. Now look at this. Two very different definitions of “excellence” or success. I’m not here to judge right or wrong, better or worse…just want to point out how differently two people could view the same life and work experience and then ask yourself: What is your definition of success?
What is your definition of success?
There are sacrifices we all have to make. There are differences between achievement and purpose that should be considered. Are a successful life and a good life the same to you? There are outcomes we can measure and there are experiences we can feel.
How are you feeling and being in all the doing? What are you making a priority? What are you ignoring?
Related to your definition of success and/or goodness, how are the following adding to or subtracting from your reality:
- The beliefs you hold
- The habits and routines you have
- The choices and sacrifices you make
- What you recognize and reward
A few years back I decided I wanted more peace. The challenge was I didn’t believe I deserved peace, my life was not set up for peace, and I didn’t value it as much as I did achieving. I was running around doing as much as I possibly could…hardly a moment for eating or going to the bathroom.
Peace had no room. It couldn’t find me. I had to change my beliefs, my, routines, patterns and choices to allow peace to exist.
My definition of success was more about achieving goals and getting things done than it was about fostering peace.
What I started to consider is: How do I align my achievements (the what) to my purpose (the why – driven by my desires and gifts) and do it in a way that aligns with my integrity (the how – driven by who I want to be and how I want to make people feel? This is a complex question that’s worth sitting with. And while some of us might have an easier time aligning these things, I would argue we all have an opportunity to work toward alignment regardless of our situation.
I think back to my first jobs babysitting (at 12) and being a cross guard at the pool (at 14). [Note for those interested: cross guard simply means my job was to hold up the stop sign to stop traffic on the highway so the kids coming to the pool could safely cross. Very cool, I know.] I knew I wanted to earn money but didn’t know of any options outside of these in my small town, so I didn’t really get to choose my “what.” However, I could still choose my “why” and “how.”
I could choose to view this as a minimum wage job and just gut it out and do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck, or I could find purpose in playing a key part to allow those kids to get to the pool safely. I could show up with a poor attitude and check the box or choose to do the job like a responsible, engaged person would by getting there early, engaging in conversation with the kids crossing, keeping my station clean and waving at the cars as they went by.
We always have a choice to find purpose and make meaning.
We think it has to do with what we’re doing but more often it’s taking control of the why and how that can help us. We be in our integrity and fulfill our purpose as we achieve anything – from washing the dishes to leading an important meeting.
If you are reading this unhappy or unsatisfied, I challenge you to consider if it’s the what, why or how that you need to change.
Go back to Carmen Berzatto: he loved being a chef, so it wasn’t the what that needed to change. He was letting someone else dictate his why and how. Maybe he wasn’t in it to be the best chef in the world, maybe he wanted to have more of a balance in work and life and not make so many personal sacrifices. This was his narrative to dictate, but first, he had to wake up to what was important to him and create his definition of success. This is why making time and space to prepare and reflect are so important.
If I may, I want to offer one how for you to consider that can change the game. Doing everything you do in a connected way, meaning fully present and engaged. Really connect with who you are in front of or the task at hand. This has been life-changing and life-giving for me.
I was the “get stuff done” person…never fully present. Body here, mind somewhere else. Rushing around doing #allthethings.
As I have traded quantity for quality (of interactions, of work tasks, etc.), reduced my to do list, simplified my life, and said “no more”…as I have become more connected, I and my life have changed in drastically positive ways.
It’s required some sacrifice, a change in thinking and doing, and a ton of patience, but the journey has been fun and fulfilling. Instead of wishing away the week for the weekend or gutting it out for vacation, I’m finding pockets of peace and joy in the everyday.
I no longer wonder or worry about purpose or achievement because I am actively working toward them and am regularly reflecting on them by coming back to these questions:
- How do I feel?
- What’s going well?
- What’s challenging?
- What’s most important?
- What do I feel called to do more of? Less of?
Once I have some of those answers, then I can identify and commit to the beliefs, habits, routines, etc. that need to shift to move more toward alignment of achievement, purpose and integrity. This joins the what, why and how into a full experience, and this is where meaning and fulfillment are born.
Do you have a vision, mission and set of values at work? How do these play out in the small, day-to-day ways you interact with your team, serve your clients, prioritize your work, choose to lead? As you set goals and measurable for the year, consider what you can do to align the why and how to the what.
Do you have a vision, mission and set of values for your life? If not, spend some time developing those so you are intentional about the choices you make and how you live. A “good life” looks different for everyone, the key is that you make time to get clear about your what, why and how.
Don’t end up like Carmen Berzatto resentful and regretful…you have the power to choose and you deserve more than that!
Written by: Lindsay Leahy, Dream Builder with The Restoration Project
